Why seeing a specialist is your best option

We rarely think about our own death, but it’s as much part of life as the grief of those we will leave behind. Surviving friends and relatives experience a shock, followed by a numbness which lasts days or weeks. After the numbness, it’s the pain which follows that can lead folk to seek professional help.

This distressing time is normal and healthy. Surprisingly perhaps, counselling is hardly ever needed. Furthermore, if you have bereavement counselling too soon after your loss, or when you don’t need it, there is research which suggests it may harm you. That’s why I believe that counsellors should assess bereaved clients face to face, and practice ethically in only accepting clients that really need support. Around half of all bereaved people cope well, because they intuitively know how to grieve. Most others, about a third, adjust well with a little guidance and support, perhaps helped by a few counselling sessions. People who grieve successfully spend some time each day mourning, perhaps tearfully, and the rest of the time distracting themselves by keeping busy. The proportions of mourning and distraction vary from person to person, and in healthy grief, the tearful periods diminish over time. 

It’s the rest that require the compassion and expertise of a dedicated, specialist bereavement counsellor. Clients that either remain numb or get stuck with the pain. Avoidant grievers embrace activities which leave no time to grieve. They may use alcohol and other substances to help numb the pain. Prolonged or complicated grievers find it hard to distract themselves, entering a cycle of rumination which can lead to chronic anxiety and depression. Both groups need empathy and patience from their counsellor, who will use individualised therapeutic approaches. The counsellor encourages and supports an avoidant griever as he or she experiences the pain and faces the reality of the death. Prolonged grievers are facilitated by their counsellor in taking time out from their grief by engaging with fresh interests.